is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
