I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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