i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
