i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So squirting runs in the family.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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