so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
