I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
