I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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