Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
