I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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