one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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