omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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