I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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