I'm going to rape someone's good day.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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