i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
