my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
