Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
