My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
