How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
