We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
