At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
