I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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