He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
