What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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