Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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