1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
