I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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