You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
