allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
