I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
