I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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