You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
