People with herpes should wear stickers.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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