I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
