i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize