Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
