He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
