Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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