Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
