Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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