Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize