bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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