tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
