thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She even gives head with a lisp.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think my nap took me to another dimension
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
