Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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