The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
