im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
