she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
