i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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