i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We talked him into tasing himself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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