I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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