I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
