There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
A bitchslap is in order.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
